Five Kisses
by evieeden
Summary: Bella and Edward's relationship mapped through the kisses they shared, but will they ever get to the fifth kiss?
1. The First Kiss

**Hi all. So this is my new multi-chap – don't worry, it's only a short one – and I hope you all really like it. Thanks to my lovely beta, 1MrsECullen, and my pre-reader, Bob.**

**I don't own Twilight unfortunately, but I do own this plot so please don't steal it.**

**For those who know about The Fandom Gives Back, taking place later this month, I am auctioning off two new one-shots as well as outtakes for my other fics, The Cullen Girl, The Night Before and Another Heart Calls. Please think about bidding as it all goes towards a good cause.**

**Ok, so please read and enjoy.**

**The First Kiss**

**BPOV**

I was only two when I first met Edward Cullen. Only five when I kissed him for the first time.

I would kiss him again, later in life, but that kiss was one of the ones that stood out, that made an impact.

If I looked back over our lives together, I would say that so far there had been four; four kisses that had marked mine and Edward's relationship – if a relationship was what it could be called. If I was a cynical person I would have pointed out that it was more like a series of encounters between the two of us. I wasn't cynical though, so I chose to think of them as part of a relationship.

Or at least, I hoped that they were part of a relationship.

I could never tell with Edward; I never knew where I stood with him. That was as much my fault as it was his. Neither of us had tried very hard – maybe we knew that it was never meant to be. Maybe we both thought that there would be plenty of time in the future. Maybe we had become so close that we were incapable of seeing the bigger picture. Or maybe we were so far apart that we could no longer see each other, only everything going on around us, the inconsequential stuff.

It didn't matter now. None of it mattered.

I was alone and it was my own fault.

I sat on my bed, wine bottle in hand, pile of tissues on the table next to me. I had locked the door of my room so nobody would disturb me. I don't know why I did it. I didn't have a roommate anymore; Alice had moved out three months ago to go and live with Jasper, her high-school sweetheart. I still wasn't used to the quiet yet.

I poured myself another glass of wine and practically gulped it down. Yes, I realised that this was how most cases of alcoholism started and yes, I knew that I was being pathetic. It had just seemed liked the occasion called for it.

I sniffled as a fresh rush of tears poured down my face. I wiped them away impatiently. I didn't want to cry anymore, but it just seemed appropriate. I was sitting in an empty apartment alone, drinking myself into oblivion...

...and ten miles away Edward Cullen was getting married to someone else.

My relationship with the Cullens, all of them, began when I was three years old. I don't remember it, but according to my mother, Renee, our two families became close friends almost immediately.

My father, Charlie Swan, was a hard-working officer of the law, rising swiftly up the ranks when I was young until he was chief of the police by the time I was ten. My parents had gotten married young, straight out of high school and it was barely a year later that I was born. The young family had a lot to contend with, parent disapproval and financial difficulties, and Charlie had immediately taken the most secure job he could find and then worked all hours round the clock to make sure that my mother and I were provided for.

While he was worrying about work and money though, he neglected to worry about my mother, leaving her to go through her pregnancy by herself and bring me up practically alone for the first few months of my life. It wasn't that Charlie didn't love us or want to help, he was just busy working.

When I was three months old Renee had cracked, unable to cope with the demands of looking after a newborn baby, and had walked out on both of us. Charlie had come home one day to find Renee gone and me squalling in my crib. Nowadays, Renee would have probably been diagnosed with post-partum depression, as it was, back then she was accused of being selfish and flighty. Whatever her flaws, she really did love both of us and after living down in Arizona for two years she returned to Forks and my father and re-entered my life once more.

This time though Charlie was not willing to leave me alone with her a lot of the time, in case her emotional instability and the stress of taking care of me tipped her over the edge once more. He had cut down his hours at work a lot when he had become my sole caregiver, although he was still required to do more than the standard nine to five. Over that time he had become reliant on the good nature of his friends in town and they had rallied around him, babysitting me and providing home-cooked meals for him.

When Renee came back he was determined that the support system built around me wasn't cut off, so he encouraged my mother to go out more into the town, rather than be stuck at home with me. So it was at one of the coffee mornings held in the library that my mother first met Esme Cullen, the new doctor's wife.

Esme Cullen was sweet, she was quiet and polite, and she refused to listen to the gossip that proclaimed Renee to be a cheap floozy, capable of going after anyone's husband. But then, if there was any husband worthy of Forks' housewives going after it was Carlisle Cullen.

Luckily our two families got on like a house on fire. Esme and Carlisle had a daughter my age, Alice, and we were often left to play together and grew up best friends. We were completely inseparable despite being completely different, Alice's natural exuberance being tempered by my quiet reflection. My mother used to accuse me of being a solemn child. I didn't find out what that word meant until I was eight and Edward taunted me with it.

Edward was the Cullens' second child. Three years older than me and Alice, he spent most of his time hanging around his older brother Emmett as there was only a year between the boys. He had always fascinated me, even when I was little. When I was three, I had fallen in love with his crazy copper hair and tried to pull it out. When he wouldn't let me, I bawled for hours because I wanted pretty hair like that. In return he had patted me awkward on the head and told me that I would be pretty too one day when I wasn't a baby. I had stopped crying upon being told that. I was an easily appeased child.

Our two families often got together, we always shared a meal at Thanksgiving and during the holidays Carlisle and Esme often had my parents and I over for pre-Christmas meals. This was allegedly so that Esme could practice her cooking on us. In reality, I think the Cullens knew that this was always a hard time of year for Renee and Charlie. It was the week before Christmas when Renee had abandoned us and by having us come to dinner a lot they were trying to ease the stress and sooth away the bad memories.

It was at one of these festive meals that I first kissed Edward. From what I remember it was Christmas Eve and like all children we were tearing round the house, hyped up from the excitement of the occasion and fuelled by the sugar in our sodas and desserts.

Alice had been trying to pin me down for hours at the pink plastic vanity table my parents had gifted her all day, trying to brush my hair and pin it back with sparkly purple clips that came with it. I remember hating Alice brushing my hair, especially at that age. My hair was already really long by that stage and her arms couldn't reach all the way down its length in one brushstroke. So instead she would just randomly attack parts of my scalp with an old hairbrush of Esme's that had half of the plastic falling off the metallic bristles.

I won't lie - it used to hurt a lot.

So while Edward and Emmett bombed up and down the stairs trying to beat each other to death with Emmett's drumsticks – another Christmas gift – I was being chased round and round the sofas and our parents by a hairclip-wielding Alice.

Accidents were bound to happen and happen they did.

On my latest circuit of the living room I cut a corner round the edge of one of the cream sofas and slammed into Edward, who had just sprinted in from the hallway.

Edward managed to keep his balance. I didn't.

Stumbling sideways from the impact, I lost my footing and tripped, the side of my face slamming into the edge of the coffee table before I hit the floor.

Everybody froze, like a strange tableau where everyone has a look of sheer horror started.

I started whimpering, the pain growing stronger every minute, but it wasn't until I wiped my face with my hand, trying to brush away the tears – because Renee had told me that big girls don't cry – that I realised that the entire side of my face was coated with blood.

All the adults, apart from Carlisle, were panicking, Emmett looked spellbound and Alice started screaming and crying.

My head began to feel woozy and the shiny red liquid coating my hand became blurred. The last thing I remembered before I passed out was the utterly distraught look on Edward's face, he was completely devastated.

When I woke up later I was in one of the guest bedrooms and the blood was gone. Carlisle had cleaned me up and stitched the gash on my face while I was unconscious.

The room was dark with the door left open a sliver, so the light shone through. I was tucked up warm into the bed, which as recognized as mine from the times I had stayed here before, but there was a strange pressure on one of my arms.

Turning my head to one side, I saw Edward sat quietly next to me, playing on his game-boy.

"My head hurts," I announced, increasingly aware of the ache that was now drilling into my skull.

Edward put the games console aside. "That's cos you bashed it on the table. Do you remember?"

I frowned. "I was running away from Alice and then I bumped into you and then it hurt."

"Yeah, my dad had to look after you. You got stitches and everything. Emmett's really upset cos he wants stitches too, but Dad won't let him have any. And now you have five and he doesn't have any. And there was tons of blood, it was really cool." His voice found all the enthusiasm for bloodshed that only an 8-year-old boy could have.

"I don't think I like blood," I decided. "It's too red and sticky and it smells nasty, bleurgh."

Edward shuffled down the bed so that he was lying sideways next to me. "Yeah, I don't think your mom does either. She got all funny-looking and white and then my mom had to take her outside for some fresh air and some whit-sy."

I gazed at him curiously. "What's whit-sy?" I had never heard of it before.

"It's this browny-yellow drink that was supposed to help. I wanted some too, but my mom wouldn't let me."

"Oh."

We lay there quietly for a few minutes before I heard a sniffle.

"Bella?" His voice was shaky and I quickly realised that Edward was sad.

"Yes, Edward."

"I didn't mean to make you fall down and hurt your head and have stitches." He sniffled again.

"That's ok." I patted his arm. "It hurts, but not as much as before."

"Really?" He sounded so hopeful that he hadn't done any damage.

"Really."

And just like that, I popped a kiss on his mouth, a completely childish gesture of affection, nothing more. I even pursed my lips exaggeratedly, as I had seen my mom do in the morning when she kissed my dad goodbye.

"Well, ok then," he conceded.

I yawned loudly and snuggled back down under the covers, ready to go back to sleep again. It had been a long day for me.

"Edward, can I have a hug?"

He nestled closer and wrapped me in his arms tightly, brushing my forehead lightly with his own mouth.

That was how I fell asleep and when I woke up the next day Edward was even more of my hero than he had been before. After all, he had come to make sure I was alright and apologised for knocking me down, even when it wasn't his fault.

That was our first kiss and the beginning of my love affair with Edward Cullen.


	2. The Second Kiss

**So here's the second chapter for you all. Hopefully the updates should be coming a bit quicker now that I'm back off holiday.**

**Thank you to my lovely beta for this fic – and so many others – 1MrsECullen.**

**I don't own Twilight, unfortunately. SM does.**

**Please read and enjoy.**

**The Second Kiss**

**BPOV**

The second time I kissed Edward Cullen was much less cute and much more embarrassing. For me anyway.

I had grown up idolizing Edward, ever since the Christmas table incident, and as I got older, my hero worship and innocent adoration had gradually turned into a full-blown crush.

It was the summer before I turned thirteen that I first noticed him _that_ way. Edward and Emmett had gone away with their aunt and uncle on an extended camping trip over the last month of the summer. Alice, already beginning to show signs of being the diva she is, refused to go on the grounds that she would be miserable all time, thus making everyone else's life hell as a result. Carlisle and Esme had relented and let her stay behind.

We spent most of the summer at my house. Charlie was back to working all hours of the day and Renee had decided to join a knitting group in Port Angeles so we had the house to ourselves most of the time.

The Cullens' house wasn't as entertaining without the boys; usually we spent our time following them around and mimicking their games -their two little shadows.

So instead, Alice spent the summer having fun and playing dress-up and I spent the summer gloomily allowing her to have her way with my wardrobe.

When the boys finally got back, tanned and fit from all the outside activities, I was shocked. Sometime, over the course of a couple of months, Edward had changed. His awkward shuffle and hunched shoulders, from where he had tried to overcompensate for a sudden growth spurt late last year, were gone. Now he walked tall, broader shoulders pulled back, head held high. His thin frame hadn't quite expanded to Emmett-sized proportions, but he had definitely filled out – muscles developed from all the exercise were now visible. He looked just like one of those models in Esme's magazines that Alice and I weren't supposed to look at, but did anyway.

For a moment – even at just twelve years old – I think my heart skipped a beat.

This was a new Edward, a different one to the Edward I knew so well.

Yet in so many ways he was exactly the same.

He still let Alice and I traipse around after him, not seeming to mind that our antics often inconvenienced him. He never got mad at his little sister or yelled at her, and I was just as welcome to him as ever. He still called me 'his little Bella' and my adolescent heart swelled at the moniker.

The only thing I didn't like about this new, improved Edward were the girls. They had never been around before, but now, as the school year started, they were everywhere – walking back from school with Edward and Emmett, visiting the house and spending hours on the porch giggling at every word that he said, disappearing up to his room and shutting the door behind them.

That was one of the few times that Edward had ever got mad at us. We had barged into his room at full tilt wanting to borrow some masking tape for one of our craft projects, only to be screeched at by some blonde girl, shoved out the room and told to get lost.

Alice was furious. I was devastated.

Deep down a tiny part of me had dreamed that one day Edward would fall in love with me and we would get married and have babies.

Now I was having to face reality and I didn't like it.

Time went by and I grew up, but a part of me never got over that crush on Edward – maybe because he was always around and always so kind to me. It didn't hurt that he developed into a seriously good-looking boy.

Before I knew it, it was the end of senior year for Edward, he was going off to Dartmouth after the summer and I was already moping around at the prospect of him being gone. Luckily, Alice was also mourning the future loss of her brother, so my morose behaviour didn't seem too out of place.

That summer we were both especially clingy with Edward – he and Alice had become close in the last year or so now that we were a bit older and Emmett was away. It wasn't unusual for the three of us to hang out – the endless parade of girls from before having miraculously disappeared.

About two weeks before Edward was due to leave, I went over to the Cullens' to work on one of Alice's projects...only to find out that she wasn't there.

Wandering aimlessly around the house, I noted the absence of Esme and Carlisle too. I didn't particularly feel like going back home only to face the same emptiness though so I made my way up to my room and flopped onto the bed, closing my eyes as the sun came through the glass windows, warming my skin.

Feeling the heat sink through to my bones relaxed me and I spread my arms out blindly on either side of me, reaching as far as I could.

A low chuckle from the direction of the door shocked me out of my supine state and as I bolted upright, I overestimated how much room there was between me and the edge of the bed. It didn't matter how many times it happened – hitting the floor never got any less painful.

"Bella," Edward's voice came from the other side of the bed. "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," I muttered, scrambling to get back up on my feet. "Really."

"Ok then." His easy smile disarmed me for minute and I blinked stupidly at him.

"Why were you laughing?"

He frowned at me. "Sorry?"

"When you came into the room, why were you laughing?"

"Oh," shifting uncomfortably, he scratched the back of his neck. "You just looked like a kitty cat there – stretching out in the sun."

"A cat?" I raised my eyebrows disbelievingly.

He shrugged. "It's what it looked like from where I'm standing. What are you doing around anyway today?"

"I came to see Alice, but she's out and I didn't feel like going home, so I decided to stay here instead."

"Huh. Are you bored?"

I shrugged. "The end of summer always seems to drag on, especially when I don't think I can keep up with Alice and all her fun plans."

Edward smiled crookedly. "Is she driving you insane?"

"Little bit."

"You should come hang with me then."

I eyed him curiously. "What are you doing then?"

"I," he gestured grandly towards himself, "am going to sit on the back porch and enjoy Forks' surprisingly good bout of weather. And you are coming with me."

Grabbing my hand, he tugged me out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house. I followed willingly – this was a chance to spend time alone with Edward, I wasn't going to pass that up for anything.

Once we reached the porch Edward sat back against the railing, tilting his face upwards towards the sun. He looked so handsome and I couldn't help but blush fiercely at the observation.

"What's got you turning so pink like that, my Bella?"

I shook my head. "Nothing," I mumbled, sitting opposite him and wrapping my arms around my knees.

Edward crooked an eyebrow at me but didn't say anything and then closed his eyes. I took the opportunity to stare at him openly, something I never got to do when everyone else was around. Usually I had to resort to sneaking covert glances at him when no-one was looking.

"What?" His lazy drawl brought me out of my reverie and I blinked at him.

"Sorry?"

"I can practically feel you boring holes into me with your eyes, Bella. What's wrong?"

I blushed again, before settling on a hasty "nothing."

"Come on, Bella." Edward shifted forward to look at me again. "Tell me what's up."

"I'm just..." I hesitated and then switched subjects. "Are you looking forward to going to Dartmouth?"

"Yeah, absolutely. It'll be good to get away from Forks and Dartmouth's got so many really great programs. I can't wait to get stuck in." His face lit up with his enthusiasm to get away and my heart sank, although I outwardly nodded for his benefit.

"But you'll be coming home for Christmas?" I asked nervously. I could last until December before I saw him again. I didn't know if I could wait longer.

He looked affronted that I'd even asked. "Of course I'll be coming back for Christmas. I'm going to miss you all when I'm gone."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm going to miss you too," I blurted out and then flushed at my outburst.

"Oh Bella," Edward sighed. "Is that why you've been upset for the last month or so?"

I nodded, my face now a permanent bright red, my eyes firmly fixed on the floor – I couldn't look at Edward now, I was sure my feelings would be obvious to him.

"Come here, Bella."

I peeked up from behind my lashes. He was still sat against the railings, but now his arms were open and he beckoned me to come and sit with him.

I shuffled forward shyly, tentatively sitting next to him and allowing him to draw me in towards him for a hug. Wrapping my own arms around his waist, I squeezed him tightly, burying my face into his t-shirt and breathing in his uniquely-Edward smell.

"Things aren't going to change that much, you know," Edward murmured above my head. "I'm still going to come home, we're still going to spend time together, you and Alice are still going to annoy the hell out of me."

I choked out a laugh at that.

He continued, quieter now. "Just because I'm going away doesn't mean you won't still be my Bella."

I drew back to look at him and he smiled brightly at me, sincerity splashed across his face.

I made a split-second decision.

Leaning forward quickly and closing my eyes, I pressed my mouth to his, waiting for a second before I caught his bottom lip between mine.

Edward froze and I drew back slightly in response, but then he was kissing me. We were kissing. _Oh my god, we were kissing_! It was everything I had daydreamed about and I was happily squealing inside when he went incredibly still again.

Pulling back, he gently grasped my shoulders and pushed me away from him. I opened my eyes in confusion – I thought it was going so well.

"Bella, no. You can't... we can't do this. You're too young."

I sat on my heels and Edward released me, rubbing a hand tiredly across his face.

"I'm only three years younger than you."

"You're fourteen, Bella. And I'm eighteen and I'm going away to college. This isn't going to happen. It shouldn't have happened in the first place. God, what would Charlie think?"

I could feel myself welling up as he spoke and I jerked upright and backed away from him. Edward stood too and I was forced to tilt my head back to look up at him. He didn't make any attempt to comfort me as my eyes brimmed over and tears poured over my cheeks.

Gathering up the last of my courage, I spoke. "I really like you, Edward." Ok, so I lied – I was fairly certain that I was already in love with him. 'Like' seemed like such an insipid word.

"I really like you too," he replied and I felt a brief flash of hope before his next words destroyed it. "You're like a little sister to me."

I bit my lip to stop the cry of pain that threatened to erupt from me. He saw me as a sister. _A sister_. My stomach flipped over and I fought the urge to throw up. One arm wrapped around my waist, holding me together while my other hand covered my mouth.

Edward looked panicked, horrified at the sight of my distress. "Bella..." He stepped forward, reaching out to me, but I moved out of his grasp.

"Bella, please," he pleaded. "Please don't cry. I can't stand it when you cry."

Two day ago – hell, two hours ago – I would have taken this assertion as a sign of his feelings towards me; now, I couldn't bear to look at him.

Of course he wouldn't want to kiss me, of course he wouldn't want to be with me in any way. Hadn't I seen him with all those girls? All those beautiful, stunning, older girls. _How was I supposed to live up to them_? _What even made me think I ever had a chance_?

He was handsome, he was talented, he was going away to college...and I was his stupid surrogate sister and I couldn't even do that right.

And now he was being nice to me when I didn't deserve it.

"Bella, please," he repeated, taking another step towards me.

His movement broke me out of my self-recrimination and that's when the embarrassment hit me. I had kissed Edward without any encouragement from him. I was clearly insane and just wanted to get out of there.

"I should go. Renee will be expecting me." I was a terrible liar; I had no clue when my mother would be back.

"Bella," Edward's hands raked frantically through his hair, "can we please just talk about this?"

"I need to go home now," I mumbled and tripping over my feet, I ran through the house, down the drive and out onto the street, ignoring Edward as he called my name.

As soon as I reached home I buried myself under my duvet and refused to come out, telling Renee that I was ill. Luckily, my natural paleness helped convince her and she spent the rest of the day fussing after me.

She even ran interference for me when Edward stopped by with Alice to see me – I pretended to be asleep.

When I woke up the next day my humiliation was still fresh in my mind – so I did what any coward in my situation would do: I hid, I avoided and I made sure I was never available to spend time with any of the Cullens, despite their best efforts.

Two weeks later Edward was gone. I never said goodbye.

That was our second kiss and the beginning of all the complications.


	3. The Third Kiss

**Here's kiss number three for you all. I hope you enjoy it.**

**Thanks to my beta, 1MrsECullen, and to my lovely WC encouragers, tiffanyanne3 and SunKing. Thanks also to you all for continuing to read and review.**

**I don't own anything except this plot, so please don't steal it.**

**The Third Kiss**

**BPOV**

Avoiding Edward, and my inevitable humiliation, became a lot easier once he went to college and I no longer had to avoid his house. I finally felt safe to venture over there once more to see Alice. Luckily, she had bought the story I had caught some kind of virus from somewhere and was merely glad that I was no longer ill.

I blushed at my sudden ability to lie to those I loved, but sometimes I thought I would catch Renee or Esme looking at me knowingly, indicating that maybe I hadn't gotten away with it quite as thoroughly as I had thought.

Without Emmett and Edward to hang around with anymore, Alice and I were forced to look outside our two households for company for the first time. Fortunately, our freshman year not only brought a new school, but new friends as well and it wasn't long until, to my surprise, I started getting attention from some of the boys at school.

I didn't particularly like any of them _that_ way, but after Edward's rejection it was nice to know that at least some people found me attractive.

It wasn't until I began to date Jacob Black, the son of one of my father's closest friends, that I realised that just because someone was interested in me, whether mentally or physically, didn't mean that the interest was reciprocated.

Jake was smart, he was funny, he was easy to be around, my parents liked him and he really really liked me. On paper, he was perfect.

But every time we kissed, it felt wrong – alien; like I was going through the motions while secretly rolling my eyes. He clearly enjoyed himself every time we lip-locked, but I found myself bored with the gestures of affection – nothing like how I'd felt when I'd kissed Edward, even if it was just for a few second before he pulled away.

Even after we had spent three years together, I was still holding him at a distance. Jake wanted to take our relationship further; I couldn't bear the thought of seeing him like that, of him seeing me naked, of us having sex.

The idea made me shudder.

That was pretty much when it hit me. I loved Jake, I really did, but not as a boyfriend, just as a close friend. And for that reason, I decided that we couldn't go on as we were.

On the last day of school, when Alice and I had just graduated, I made up my mind to end my relationship with Jacob and start off this summer, and my new college life, with a clean slate.

I chose my timing carefully. Alice was throwing a party for all our friends from school to celebrate leaving and Jacob, as a student on the Res school, wouldn't be there...especially not if I'd already broke up with him. I also worked out that if we both got upset, which was entirely likely in my case, I would be able to run straight to my best friend for support and comfort.

There were two things I failed to take into account however.

The first was that Jacob had already ended our relationship, unfortunately without telling me, and I walked in on him fucking his best friend Seth's sister. In the argument that followed, where he could really have done with putting on some clothes, he had told me that perhaps he wouldn't have cheated on me if I hadn't been such a prude.

Although I was outraged, I later had to admit that it was more damaged pride than actual hurt. Quite frankly, I was relieved to finally be free of Jacob...and without breaking his heart.

My second oversight was that I hadn't realised that Edward would be home from college, which really was stupid of me. He had been back the previous three summers, but back then I had been able to use Jake as a barrier, spending my time down at La Push or with mine and Alice's friends, rather than round the Cullens'.

So it was a complete shock to me when tripping around the party, carrying my illegal beer, I crashed straight into him, spilling my drink all over myself.

"Careful, Bella. You'll hurt yourself." Grasping my shoulders, he steadied me, stopping me from swaying where I stood.

"Edward," I gasped, staring up at him.

I drank him in. He was leaner than I remembered, the last of his puppy fat finally gone. His hair was a bit longer and he was unshaven, stubble marring his jaw.

He was so beautiful, more so than ever before.

All the time spent feeling rejected, all the time spent with Jacob, it all just melted away.

"You're back."

He grinned at me. "I am, and I haven't seen you in ages."

"Oh," I blushed. "I've been busy."

One eyebrow went up. "Busy for four years?"

The red flush that gave me away so often wouldn't leave. I lifted my chin defiantly though. "A lot's changed since you left Edward. I've changed. Besides..." my voice grew markedly quieter and Edward had to lean forward to catch my words in the cacophony of noise in the house. "I don't know why you would want to see me anyway, especially after the way things were before you left."

"Are you...?" Edward looked around frustratedly as someone crashed into his side. "Come on, let's go somewhere quieter. I can't talk to you here."

"What if I don't want to go with you?" I asked rather belligerently, the alcohol in my bloodstream fuelling my sudden surge of confidence.

"Bella, you've got beer spilled all down your top, don't you want to go upstairs and get changed?"

Looking down, I gasped when I realised that he was right, and unexpectedly I felt my eyes begin to well up. Today had been a really bad day; nothing was going like it was supposed to.

"Don't cry, Bella." Edward was suddenly panicked and he drew me to him in a hug, the beer soaking through to his shirt too. "I really hate it when you cry."

"I'm sorry," I snivelled, wiping my face ineffectually. "I don't know what's wrong with me today."

"Shh, it's alright," he soothed. "Let's just get you upstairs and we'll find you another shirt and I can get one too, ok?"

I nodded, my tears suddenly gone at the prospect of spending time with Edward. My brain knew this was the wrong way to be thinking, but I couldn't quite comprehend why; it was as if the answers were just out of reach.

Wrapping one arm around my waist to stop me from falling over, Edward led me upstairs to my room. I flopped down backwards onto my bed, watching with interest as Edward attempted to find something suitable for me to wear.

"Bella, do you want to help me here?"

"Not really." I stretched upwards, my shirt riding up to expose a sliver of skin at my waist. "I'm enjoying being waited on."

Edward groaned, but it didn't sound like a moan of pain to me. Shooting upright, I saw him quickly look away from me, not keeping my gaze.

Jerking the top drawer open, Edward began to rifle through the contents and suddenly my brain clicked into gear, remembering what exactly I kept in there.

"Noooo!" I wailed, jumping up and slamming the drawer, barely missing his fingers. "That's private stuff."

"Private stuff?" Edward's eyebrows danced in amusement as he smirked down at me. "Looked like a lot of frilly underwear to me."

I sighed in relief. "Yes, nothing there but frilly underwear."

His gaze turned suspicious. "Bella, is that...? Do you have...?" He hesitated. "Do you have a vibrator that you keep in there?" He looked intrigued by the idea.

"No," I stated defiantly, my face turning bright red even as the word left my mouth.

"You do," he crowed. "You keep a vibrator at our house."

My skin was practically burning. "Stop making fun of me," I whined. "You're being so mean to me."

"I'm not being mean to you, Bella." He sighed. "Look, never mind. Just let me find a shirt for you."

I pushed him out the way, grabbing a strappy top for myself. I raised one finger between us, circling it round. "Turn around. You don't get to look."

Turns out being drunk made me bossy.

Edward held his hands up in protest and spun around. With his back to me, without those eyes analysing my every move, it was far easier to talk to him.

"I'm over here with Alice more often than I'm at my own house. And the...vibrator," I stumbled over the word, "is because...just because."

Edward cocked his head to one side. "What about this boyfriend I've heard so much about? This...Jacob?"

"He's not my boyfriend anymore...and it turns out that in the end he didn't want me anyway." I finished pulling the clean shirt over my head, but didn't tell Edward that he could turn back around. I wanted to carry on talking to him and I couldn't do that if he was looking at me.

Edward's voice was quieter when he spoke. "I can't imagine anyone not wanting you, Bella."

I blinked at his back, stunned.

My mind was in turmoil. "How can you say that? You didn't want me. You turned me down. Why would you say that people would want me, when you made it quite clear that you..."

"I never said I didn't want you, Bella," he interrupted, spinning around suddenly.

I was struck dumb. "What?"

"I never said I didn't want you," he repeated.

"Yes, you did," I insisted. "I was there; you rejected me. You made me feel like some stupid little girl."

"But I never said that I didn't want you." Edward huffed, running his hands through his hair. "I said that we couldn't...belike that then. I said that you were too young."

I stared at him. "What are you trying to say?"

Edward frowned. "Does it matter?" he bit out. "That was then and you've clearly moved on since, like you should have. It's not important anymore; and I don't know why it should mean anything now. You don't like me, Bella. The past four years have driven that through even my thick skull. I get it."

He rubbed a hand tiredly over his face. "You should get back to the party. I need to go change my shirt."

He left and I could hear him cursing to himself as he strode down the hall and up the stairs to his room.

What had just happened?

Had Edward really just confessed that he wanted me? That he had wanted me back before he had left to go to college? That the only thing holding him back was the fact that he was three years old than me and he was worried about both the age difference and what our parents would think?

Looking back over the last four years, I remembered all the times after our ill-fated kiss that he had tried to talk to me, only for me to either shut him down or run away. Those efforts had only stopped once I began dating Jacob.

Could it possibly be that Edward had carried a torch for me as long as I had been enamoured with him? And if he had, did he still like me now?

If I closed my eyes and concentrated solely on my feelings then I had to say yes, I still cared very deeply for him – even still loved him.

And I now felt very sorry for Jacob; I had used him to push down my confusing emotions for Edward, but had never really let him go.

If Edward had liked me back when I was fourteen, the question now was, did he still feel the same way now? Or had he let me go, as I had not been able to?

There was only one way to find out.

Kicking off my shoes, I made my way quietly to Edward's room, peering through the gap in the open door.

I couldn't see him, so opening the door wider, I carefully padded in. A slight breeze to the left caught my attention and I could vaguely make out the outline of Edward sitting on his balcony. Walking a bit closer, I noticed that although he had taken his stained shirt off, he hadn't bothered to replace it.

My breath caught at the sight of his muscled chest, more developed since I had last seen it. I stared at him openly for a minute, but snapped out of it when I realised that he could look up at any second and see me there, gaping at him.

Shuffling forward, I stepped out onto the balcony, shivering slightly at the cooler temperature outside.

"I need to ask you something?"

Edward watched me, his face carefully blank. "Ask away."

"Were you attracted to me back hen? Did you want me to kiss you?"

Edward looked away. "Yes."

"You liked me," I said in wonder.

Edward looked like he was confessing. "I liked you more than you'll know; but you were very young then. I meant what I said, it wouldn't have been right. Didn't mean I didn't want it though; didn't want you." He laughed bitterly. "And I got what I deserved."

My mind worked furiously. Everything hinged on the next question.

"Do you still feel that way now?"

My voice shook as I asked the question and I was surprised to find that my body was trembling too.

Edward narrowed his eyes at me before sinuously rising to his feet and stalking towards me. I stood my ground, tilting my head up to meet his eyes.

"Yes." He hesitated. "Bella, do you...?"

"Yes," I answered immediately, not needing to hear the question.

He swooped down and caught my lips with his; his swift, passionate embrace seemed to soften the moment we made contact and I gasped into his mouth. He moved his mouth over mine slowly, gently sucking my lips between his.

His hands came up to lightly caress my arms, sliding over my shoulders and gliding up and down my back. My own hands greedily slid up his chest, mapping the exposed skin before linking around his neck.

As our kiss deepened, Edward ran his tongue along my lips and I opened my mouth willingly. He explored my mouth, running his tongue over the inside of my mouth and entwining it with my own, and then retreated. It was a delicious sensation and I sought to reciprocate it, sucking on his tongue at first opportunity.

Edward groaned in the back of his throat and I revelled in the sound. My palm massaged the nape of his neck, while the fingers on my other hand buried themselves into his hair, twisting and tugging at the soft strands.

His arms tightened around me, bringing me even closer to him, if that was possible. I moaned as one of his hands slid down, cupping my ass and squeezing the flesh there. He pushed me forwards and as I pressed against him, I could feel a suspicious bulge in his jeans pressing against my stomach. I fought the urge to squirm against him, attempting to relieve the pressure building in my stomach.

Drawing back slightly, Edward placed several light, sucking kisses on my lips and then nipped my bottom lip before pulling away.

My eyes, which had fluttered closed, now opened and I saw that his were shut too. We were both panting heavily, resting forehead to forehead. I could feel his breath on my skin and it sent shivers down my spine.

"Yes." It was quietly spoken; I could barely hear him, but I listened intently. "I wanted you back when you were younger, even though it was wrong. I want you now. I have feelings for you, Bella. I think I have since we were little and I don't remember ever not feeling this way."

My breath caught and I fought off the sudden urge to cry at the sweetness of his admission. My fingers stroked his face instead, letting him know the only way I could that I understood, that I didn't think badly of him.

That I felt the same way.

It was wordlessly agreed upon that nothing else would happen that night, although Edward did give me plenty more of those delectable, toe-curling kisses before he left me to sleep in my room. I went to bed absolutely content for once.

As the summer passed, our relationship developed further and within a month of that kiss on the balcony we were confessing our love for each other. Soon after, I lost my virginity to Edward. It was a stormy afternoon and due to a fallen tree on the road, the house was cut off from the rest of civilisation.

It wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination; I was nervous and Edward was hesitant, not wanting to cause me the inevitable pain, but it was perfect for us. Edward took care of me and I fell even more deeply in love with him than I thought possible. He peppered my body with kisses, he went down on me – I thought I would die of embarrassment until I first felt his tongue, then I couldn't think of anything – he told me how much he worshipped me and then, when it was over, he brought me down from my high, tracing patterns over my sweaty body before he ran me a bath to sooth my sore muscles.

Yes, perfect for us.

The only not perfect thing, at least in Edward's opinion, was my refusal to let anyone know about us. I wasn't ashamed, and Edward was more than willing to face my gun-toting father head on, but I was worried about the future. I was going to the University of Washington for college, while Edward still had another year of pre-med at Dartmouth before he began his residency, which he was pretty much guaranteed.

We would be living in two different places and I wanted to know what would happen with our relationship – if it was going to be long-distance or if it was going to end when summer finished – before we started telling people about it.

So we continued to sneak around, Edward rather reluctantly, avoiding the suspicions of our families, although I'm fairly certain that Alice had worked out that something was going on.

Then Edward dropped his bombshell – his plans for the future.

He was going to give it all up, give up Dartmouth, give up his home and friends there, and apply to transfer to the University of Washington...just to be with me.

Even though I badly wanted that, wanted him to move to be near me, wanted him to give it all up for us, it would have been unfair.

He had worked so hard to get into his dream college and now he was going to throw it all away just for me. I couldn't let him do that; if I did it would be incredibly selfish and I didn't want for him to follow me to Washington, just to resent me later for the sacrifice he made.

So I put my own plans into place. I managed to find a job in a coffee shop near campus that required someone to start immediately and I arrange with the college to let me move into dorms early. Convincing my parents that I had to leave sooner than planned was easy; I would have had to find a part-time job no matter when I left and my mother was keen for me to get some distance from Jacob, who despite our mutual dumping, was eager to rekindle the relationship. I arranged to leave just a week after Edward first proposed his plan.

Then came the hardest part – making sure Edward stayed at Dartmouth, making sure he didn't end up hating me. I reasoned with myself, trying to make my actions seem less calculated, trying to convince myself that this really was for the best, for Edward, given the circumstances. We had only been together half a summer anyway and Edward was handsome and charming and kind and beautiful, inside and out; he would have no problem moving on from me.

After all, what did I have to offer him anyway?

So I wrote the letter; and I told him that I had loved spending the time with him this past summer, that I hoped that he enjoyed the rest of his time at Dartmouth and that I wished him all the best for his residency there, that I wanted to go to college with a clean slate and that I would appreciate it if he didn't transfer there to be with me.

I cried the entire time I was writing that, big, gulping sobs as I carefully and concisely broke my heart in two.

I didn't want to ruin Edward's life; so I would just have to ruin mine instead.

I posted the letter, not wanting to be anywhere near Edward when he received it.

I left for college with a heavy heart.

When I first got there, Edward tried to call me hundreds of times on my cell; like the coward I am, I changed my number. He even drove up to see me, spending over two hours banging on the door and begging me to talk to him. I curled up into a ball on my bed and pretended not to be there, silent tears streaming down my face.

Eventually, my silence got through to him and he stopped trying to contact me. College started properly, Alice came up to share dorm rooms with me and Edward went back to Dartmouth.

Time passed and so did my college years, I spent most of them working and avoiding any male attention; Alice never bugged me about having more fun or going on more dates, partially I expect because she found her own soul mate in a Texan junior by the name of Jasper Whitlock, but also because she could tell that I was hurting.

Whenever I went home for the Christmas holidays – I spent the summers working – our roles had been reversed and it was Edward who avoided me, rather than the other way round, and it hurt, it really did.

After I majored in English, I was offered a scholarship to continue the subject to Masters level, and naturally, I accepted. Alice and Jasper had moved in together by that point and I was living alone in an apartment when I received it.

It was so innocent looking really, just a simple cream envelope with utterly devastating contents.

_You are cordially invited to celebrate the wedding of Edward Anthony Cullen and Angela Mary Weber._

I threw up.


	4. The Fourth Kiss

**So this is the penultimate chapter of this fic, only one more to go after this. Thanks as always to 1MrsECullen for betaing.**

**As always, I own nothing except the plot and SM owns everything else.**

**Hope you like it.**

**The Fourth Kiss**

**BPOV**

Two days after receiving the invitation, I was still in shock.

Edward was getting married. _Edward was getting married!_

My body started shaking again and I took another fortifying gulp of whisky. It wasn't my usual drink of choice, but it was all I had left.

I found myself drinking more lately – I was aware that it wasn't a healthy coping reaction, but at the moment it was my anaesthetic of choice.

Edward was getting married.

Grabbing the invitation from where it sat next to me on the sofa, I held it up to look at it for the thousandth time. The paper was creased and the edges smudged and softened from where I had handled it so much.

_You are cordially invited..._

My fingers traced idly over Edward's name and then stopped abruptly when they came to the bride's.

_Angela Mary Weber_.

This was the part I couldn't understand. Angela Weber. Angela from Forks who was probably my best friend next to Alice. Angela who had been so in love with her boyfriend Ben that they had planned on going to the same college and getting married once they had graduated.

Obviously that hadn't happened, and somewhere along the way, while she was studying at Dartmouth, she had run into Edward and they had...

I couldn't even think it, let alone say it.

I shouldn't have been so upset; I had let Edward go after all. I had turned him away and cut off all contact so that he wouldn't ruin the opportunities he had been given just for my sake. Part of that was so he could move on and have a successful career – Esme was only too happy to boast about his exceptional progress at medical school and I was happy that I had made the right decision...at least with regards to that.

What I hadn't counted on, or even considered, was that not only would Edward successfully move on at college, he would also successfully move on from our relationship.

Although, to be honest, I hadn't expected him to remain pathetically single, pining over me as I had with him either.

It was just...a shock.

I was glad that he was happy though. I really was.

Really.

Now if only my heart could stop slowly shattering into tiny pieces.

I couldn't complain though. It had been my choice to let him go, my choice to cling to my love for him and shun all other attempts at relationships over the years.

Stupid, stupid Bella.

I took another gulp of whisky.

A ringing sound began in my ears and it took me a minute to realise that it wasn't just in my head, that somewhere in my apartment a ringing noise was actually sounding out.

Stumbling off the couch, I began to search the trashed room for my cell, stepping over a pile of empty chocolate wrappers to get to the table where it rested.

"Hello?" I flipped it open without looking at who was calling.

"Bella. Are you at home at the moment?" It was Alice and she sounded excited.

"Ummm." I stared around my apartment and thought about lying, but then dismissed the idea; Alice could always tell anyway. "Yes, I'm home."

"Brilliant. Mom and dad came down to visit me and Jasper and we've all decided to go out to dinner to celebrate Edward getting married, so you need to go get ready and we'll pick you up in half an hour, ok?"

To celebrate Edward getting married? _They wanted me to celebrate?_

I could maybe try to be happy that he was happy now, but I didn't think I was capable of celebrating his impending nuptials.

And wait... If we were celebrating Edward's forthcoming marriage then that meant that Edward was here, in this town...right now. I gulped heavily.

"I don't know, Alice. I mean surely you would rather go out and celebrate together as a family...without me," I added, in case she was left with any doubt of what I meant.

"Bella," she chided. "Don't be silly. You are family. Of course you're invited."

I mumbled something, which must have sounded like an accession to her, because her next words were cheerily sung down the phone.

"We'll see you in thirty minutes then." She hung up without another word and I was left holding my cell up to my ear, my body beginning to tremble.

Thirty minutes. I only had thirty minutes to get dressed. Thirty minutes before I was going to be whisked away out of my safe haven and forced to come face to face with Edward for the first time in four years. I didn't count the brief glimpses I had had of him at Christmas when I went home.

Running through my apartment, I quickly showered, dried and styled my hair, leaving it hanging down, and then stood in front of my wardrobe, cursing myself for not having more dressy clothes to wear. Huffing in frustration, I grabbed a blue dress off a hanger, a gift from my mother, and wriggled into it. Searching through the bottom of the endless closet turned up a pair of shiny black shoes with a low heel. A bit of mascara and lip gloss was all I had time for before I heard a car pull up in front of the block. A quick glance out of the window showed Jasper's Mustang and a second later, Alice hopped out and let herself into the building using her key.

Shit! She was coming in, and I had just realised the state that the living room was in.

Running around the house, I managed to shove all of the litter in the bin and tip the half-empty glass of whisky down the sink. Just in time too, as I heard and light tap on the door before the lock clicked and Alice's voice rang out down the hall.

"Bella are you ready?"

I fixed a smile on my face before I went out to greet her.

"Nearly. I just need to grab a bag and my coat."

We then went out to the car and I was pleased to find that only Jasper was sat waiting for us. My nerves were on edge already, I didn't think I could handle seeing Edward right now. I was glad I would have the ride to the restaurant to gather my composure.

Edward, Esme and Carlisle were going to meet us there, so we set off without further ado. I hadn't realised though, that seeing Edward wasn't the only thing I would have to face. As soon as Jasper started up the engine, Alice was twisting round in her front seat, chattering away about the plans that had already been made for the wedding. I gritted my teeth and nodded as she wittered on, completely oblivious to my turmoil, about what Angela's dress looked like, her bridesmaid's duties, the venue they had chosen for the reception, what kind of flowers they were having, the food, the music, the wedding list...

I forcibly unclenched my jaw before I cracked a tooth.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, we arrived at the restaurant and a quick peek inside convinced me that I was right to dress up for the occasion. Another swift glance also revealed that Edward and his parents were already here and I was glad that I got the chance to look at him, unobstructed, before I would be forced to interact with him like a normal person – as if nothing had ever happened that summer.

He looked... To tell you the truth I was expecting him to look a lot better than he did. He was still gorgeous of course, especially in a suit, and still made my heart ache at his beauty, but he didn't look as healthy as he once had.

He was definitely leaner, a lot thinner to the point where his face looked like it had sunken in a little bit, highlighting his cheekbones and jaw in sharp relief. Dark circles ringed his eyes and his shoulders were hunched over. He certainly didn't look like a man excited to get married, but then, it was a long drive up here from Forks, he was probably just tired, especially if he had recently travelled up from Dartmouth too.

Plastering my fake smile on once more, we entered the restaurant and Carlisle and Esme were there, hugging me and asking how my course was going and being the wonderful parents they always were. And then they moved on to speak to Alice and Jasper and I was left facing Edward.

"Hi Bella."

I jumped at the sound of his voice and realised I had been staring at him.

"Edward." I searched for something else to say. "You look good."

To my surprise, Edward barked out a laugh at that before gesturing in my direction. "You too."

God, this was awkward. Luckily, Esme chose that moment to interrupt. "He's looks thin, doesn't he, Bella? You really need to take better care of yourself, Edward, it's probably a good thing you came home, gives me a chance to fatten you up."

"What so you can have me for your dinner?" Edward joked.

Laughing, Esme steered him towards the table that was now free and I sucked in a deep breath as I was released from the weight of his gaze.

Dinner was, as I expected, complete and utter hell. Everyone talked about the wedding, they were all so excited about it, and I had to just sit there, my frozen smile back once more. My one consolation was that Edward didn't seem that enthused by the conversation either, but then he was a man, and weddings weren't usually their thing.

Mostly I stayed quiet and picked at my chicken, unable to actually face swallowing it. I noticed that Edward did the same, keeping his head down all the meanwhile.

Finally, it was all over and we exited to the parking lot.

"Edward," Carlisle grabbed his attention. "Your mother and I left our car at Alice's, do you mind giving us a lift back?"

"Oh pftt, why don't Jasper and I take you two and then Edward can drop Bella off on his way back home? That means everyone won't have as far to go," Alice chimed in helpfully.

_Thanks Alice_, I thought sarcastically.

Edward looked just as enthused by the idea as I was, but nodded politely at his sister.

Esme gave me a tight hug before she left. "We never see you enough, Bella. We should try to do more things like this in the future."

"In the future," I agreed numbly – in the future, where a family meal would include Angela as Edward's wife.

I waved as they all drove off, Alice with a shout to call her in the morning.

And Edward and I were left alone for the first time that evening.

"Shall we?" He gestured towards his car, still the old silver Volvo he had had for so long; it was nice to see that some things were still familiar.

Climbing in the passenger seat, I felt myself tense up as he entered the vehicle. The drive home was deathly silent, the only sound the patter of the rain that started up halfway home. When we got there, Edward parked outside, but neither of us moved. He turned off the engine and it was completely quiet inside the enclosed space.

I fought for something to say and came up with the only thing I didn't want to talk about.

"So, I didn't get a chance to congratulate you on your engagement. You must be really happy, Angela's great."

Edward shot me a pained half-smile. "Yeah...great."

I assessed him carefully. "How are you, Edward? You don't look that good."

He tapped the steering wheel with his fingers, thinking before he answered. "I'm fine. Just busy. Med school's hard work and sometimes I have to work double shifts; it's hard not to skip meals sometimes because of the hours. I'm really not as unhealthy as my mom and you seem to think."

That last part seemed like an accusation, so I kept my mouth shut and just nodded in reply.

"And you enjoy it? Your course I mean."

"Yes, I love it." He seemed to come alive at the mention of his work, his eyes brightening and his hands gesturing as he talked. "There's just so much to learn and every case is so different, not because of the illness or the treatment, but because of the people I see, and I really feel like I'm doing something, that I'm really helping. It's the most incredible feeling in the world."

He caught my gaze as he finished and to my surprise, a flush rose up his cheeks. I smiled, genuinely for the first time this evening.

"It sounds like you love it. I'm glad you're doing something that makes you so happy, Edward." In that, at least, I could be gracious.

Edward suddenly grew solemn again. "And what about you, Bella? Are you happy?"

Was I happy? I didn't think I could answer that.

"I get by," I hedged, dodging the issue.

"You get by," he repeated, his old sardonic smile back. "That's not a 'yes', Bella."

What did I say to that? "My life is different now, Edward. Circumstances have changed and I've changed with them. Some stuff has happened to me and there's some stuff that I made happen. I haven't yet worked out what all the consequences are of those actions, so I can't say yet whether I'm happy about them or not."

Edward pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Tell me, Bella, did I happen to you that summer or did you make it happen and then blow me off."

My fragile control over my nerves snapped. "I didn't blow you off, Edward. And I don't want to talk about this." I scrabbled at the seatbelt frantically, relieved when I heard the click that signalled my release, and practically fell out of the car, trying to get away.

I hadn't counted on Edward following me though.

He grabbed my elbow as I turned to walk away and spun me around to face him.

"Well, I do, Bella. I want to talk about it. You didn't give me any explanations at the time; I think I deserve them now, don't you?" His voice was rising with every word he spoke until he was nearly shouting at me.

I suddenly felt very tired. I didn't want to argue with Edward – that was never what I had wanted.

"What do you want to know?"

Edward looked taken aback by how easily I had capitulated. I think he was expecting me to put up more resistance.

"I want to know what the hell happened last summer, where one minute you were saying you loved me and the next you were running away from me, barring my calls as if I was stalking you or something. What happened Bella? I mean, did you not really love me? Were you just passing the time, using me as an experiment before you went to college and met all the guys there, what? Or was it the virginity thing?"

I gaped at him.

"Give it up to someone familiar, someone you knew would never say no to you? I mean..." He raked his hands through his hair, the look on his face tormented. It hurt me to see him that way. "Was it just a joke to you?"

"No!" I shouted and then blushed at how loud I was. "No," I repeated more quietly. "It wasn't a joke to me. At all. And I wasn't passing the time or using you for sex or anything you just suggested."

"Well, how the hell was I supposed to know that, Bella? You can't stand there and act all offended when you were never prepared to explain it to me."

I bit my lip and stared at the floor, but remained quiet. Edward took a step towards me and then seemed to think better of it, stepping back again.

"I loved you, you know." My head shot up at his pained words. "I would have done anything for you."

"I know," I conceded.

Edward practically snarled at me. "But you didn't care."

Despite his hostile tone I knew that I didn't want to fight back, didn't want to yell at him. I just felt tired, just plain exhausted by it all.

And I was beginning to wonder if I had made a mistake, if Edward's impassioned demands to know what happened were anything to go by.

"I did care, Edward. I cared a lot. I love...loved you too," I corrected. "But I didn't want you to give up everything for me."

He looked at me, confused.

"You were going to transfer, just to be with me, Edward. You had worked so hard to get into Dartmouth and you were going to give it all up and transfer to Washington," I spat out the name like it was dirty. "You're too good for all this, Edward. You always were. And you shouldn't have had to give up your dream just to follow me across the country."

"That's what it was all about? Me transferring? That's why you just left like that and refused to see me? For my own good? So I wouldn't move back to Washington to be with you?"

I nodded, shamed by the way he described it.

Edward laughed incredulously, bitterly. "And you never thought to just talk to me about it?"

I hadn't; I was ashamed to admit that it really had never occurred to me. I had been too worried about destroying Edward's future and him hating me forever to discuss it with him.

"I didn't want to ruin it all for you."

"Well you did!" He spat out the words, fury etched across his face. "Do you think that was how I wanted to go back to college? I nearly failed my first semester back there after you left me. I was so worried about you, worried about what had gone wrong. I thought I'd done something to make you hate me."

"Oh God, no, Edward." My feet carried me forward and I grasped his hands in mine, trying to make him understand. "I could never hate you; I don't hate you. I love you. I always have; that didn't stop when I moved away."

"Yeah, well you've got a funny way of showing it."

"Edward, please." He turned his head away. I cupped his jaw, bringing his gaze back to mine. "I love you. I do," I insisted. "And I'm sorry that I made the wrong choices and that I didn't talk to you about my fears, but I just...I didn't want you to end up hating me or resenting me."

I don't know why I said what I did next; I can only guess that my increasing desperation was fuelling my actions.

"Please don't marry her, Edward. Please. I couldn't...I can't... Please, Edward, I love you."

Cupping his face firmly, I raised myself onto my toes and pressed my lips to his. He remained still and my mind began panicking. He wasn't reacting – why wasn't he reacting?

I slid my hands into his hair, my eyes scrunching shut against the tears I could feel welling, and I forced my lips to move against his, sucking and almost biting at them.

Nothing.

Keeping hold of him, I drew back a little. "Please, Edward."

He gave in with a pained groan and when I kissed him again, this time he reacted.

It was blissful, it was wonderful...

...and it was goodbye.

The tears ran freely down my face now as I accepted the bittersweet flavour of our embrace.

We broke apart, panting, and I wiped carefully at my face, trying not to smear my mascara across my face. Edward kept his eyes closed.

"I'm getting married." His eyes opened, revealing that beautiful bright green to me, they were suspiciously watery.

"I know." I took a step backwards from him. "Angela's a good person."

"She is."

I took a deep breath. "I hope that you have a lovely wedding and that you have a wonderful life together."

"You're not coming?"

"No." I gave a short laugh. "I don't think I can."

He nodded in understanding. I stared at him for a moment longer before I shook myself out of it. "Goodbye Edward."

Edward leaned forward and cupped my cheek, placing a last kiss on my forehead. "Take care of yourself, Bella."

He let me go and a minute later he was gone and I was left standing alone in front of my apartment block, completely shattered.

Two days later I drove down to Forks to see my mom and as we sat on the sofa chatting, it all came out, absolutely everything. I told her about my crush on Edward, kissing him before he left for college, everything that had happened the summer before I left. She wasn't as surprised by that as I had thought she would be.

"To tell you the truth, Bella, you suddenly stopped talking to him and then four years later you were thick as thieves, scurrying around behind everyone's backs. I thought something might be happening between the two of you, but I wasn't sure what exactly. Esme and I had hoped...Well, that's a moot point now anyway."

"You hoped...?" I pressed.

"You two were so close once upon a time that we thought that you might end up together...the sneaky little looks you used to send each other..."

I sniffled and sat up. "You're right, it doesn't matter now. Edward's marrying Angela, there's not a lot I can do about it."

Renee gazed at me sympathetically. "Have you told him how you feel?"

I nodded. "It's too late though. And Edward wouldn't be Edward if he had just abandoned it all and run away with me." I sighed. "As nice as it sounds, I wouldn't want him to."

Renee brushed my hair back from my face and tucked it behind my ears like she used to do when I was little.

I broke.

"I...love...him...so...much, Mommy," I sobbed.

Renee gathered me up in a hug, rocking me gently. "I know, baby. I know."

I left Forks again with assurances that Renee would explain my absence at the wedding to Edward's family – to my surrogate family.

Which leaves me where I am now – sitting on my bed, wine glass in hand, tissues all around me.

...and ten miles away, in an elegant country house, Edward Cullen was marrying someone else.


	5. The Fifth Kiss

**So here's the very last chapter of Five Kisses for you all. I'm so proud I've finally managed to finish one of my multi-chaps. Thanks to everyone who's read, reviewed, favourited and alerted this story and thanks to my beta throughout it all 1MrsECullen.**

**For the last time, I don't own Twilight, never have and never will...unfortunately.**

**Cheers for reading, I hope you like it.**

**The Fifth Kiss**

**BPOV**

I stayed in a drunken, miserable daze for two days after Edward got married, mourning my loss and the sheer waste of it all.

Finally, my wine supplies ran out and I realised that if I was ever going to pull myself out of my alcoholic funk now would be the best time, before I got in too deep.

So I pulled myself together and I got back to doing my research, but there was a hollow ache inside me now that hadn't been there before and at times I would find myself struck by a pang of melancholy that would stop me in my tracks.

There was nothing I could do now though. Edward had moved on and now maybe I needed to do the same.

Reluctantly, I found myself accepting a date from Riley, one of the guys who also worked in the English department. He had been asking me out for a while now, but I had always had a good excuse to refuse him. This last time he asked though, I found myself saying yes. I didn't want to end up alone and I had been by myself for the last four and a half years. Riley was kind and we were already friends. He was a good person to try out my new resolve on.

Riley was fun, Riley was great, Riley was just so not Edward; and that was what I was having the trouble with. I liked Riley and he seemed to like me, but the relationship was never going to get past the friendship phase; I just wasn't ready for anything else.

Luckily, Riley was also fairly easy going and accepted my gentle rejection easily and with a promise that we would still be friends and still go out and have fun together with no pressure.

About a month after the wedding, I received a phone call though, which changed everything.

Renee had never had the best memory so it wasn't unusual for a month or so to pass before she would remember to call me. Any communication had to come from my side in order to be regular.

After my mom's general enquiries about how my research was going (good) and how my love life was going (bad), she turned to the local gossip in Forks – I knew more about my neighbours now than I ever had when I lived near them.

"...and do you know what that witch Sarah Andrews said to Esme, when she tried to get a refund on the flowers? She told her that she would have disowned her son if he ever did anything like Edward had and that his behaviour was obviously a product of his upbringing, despite the fact that her son was arrested the other week by your father for a DUI. I guess that just means that he must have grown up in an alcoholic background – I always knew that woman was a drunk; you can smell the vodka on her breath when she comes to our knitting group."

I smiled at that. Sarah Andrews was my mother's sworn enemy, ever since she had found out that the florist had made a play for Charlie while she was away when I was young. I didn't entirely understand the context of the conversation though. What flowers?

Renee carried on talking. "And then after insulting her and Carlisle to her face, she then refused to give Esme her money back. This was despite the fact that she had taken the money from them and hadn't even gotten the flowers or the arrangements into the shop yet. Well, that's not very businesslike of her and I made sure I told her that. Stupid woman. I told Esme when they first started planning that she ought to use somewhere in Seattle or even Port Angeles, but no, she was adamant that she should support local businesses and look where that's got her."

I listened to my mother's ramblings with a smile, but I was still missing something. I heard her take a deep breath as if she was going to carry on speaking and decided to interrupt now before she got carried away again.

"Mom, what flowers are you talking about?"

"The flowers from the wedding, of course. Esme's trying to get them refunded."

I still didn't get it. "Why would she do that? Didn't they need them or did they find someone else to do the arrangements or something?"

Renee was quiet and I quickly checked the phone's display to make sure that we hadn't disconnected.

"Mom?"

Her voice was hushed when she finally replied. "You mean, you don't know yet?"

A strange sense of foreboding fell over me. "Know what?"

"I would have told you, I mean, I knew how upset you were, baby. I just assumed that Alice would have told you."

"Told me what?" I was getting frustrated. "And Alice isn't talking to me at the moment; she's still annoyed with me because I refused to go to the wedding."

I managed to get the dreaded 'W' word out without choking on it. I didn't like talking about it, but at least I wasn't trying to pretend that it hadn't happened anymore.

"Oh. Oh Bella." My mom sounded like she was about to tell me that someone had died and I braced myself for bad news.

"Mom, come on, just tell me; you're freaking me out."

"Bella, the wedding didn't happen."

I took the phone away from my ear and stared at it, then replaced it again. "What do you mean it didn't happen?"

My mother hesitated and then sighed.

"Mom, tell me what's going on. What do you mean the wedding didn't happen?" My voice was becoming high and panicky-sounding and I took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself down.

"I mean exactly that, baby. It didn't happen. Edward and Angela called off the whole thing the day before and I've been running around with Esme ever since, trying to placate all the suppliers and the venue and the guests in the meantime. They've been left with a hell of a bill for it all, but you know they'd rather have that than have Edward be unhappy."

"He didn't marry her?" I asked incredulously, thinking back to the last time I had seen him – when we had both say goodbye to each other. He had seemed so steadfast then, so determined to move on with a life that included Angela as his wife.

"No. He didn't. Bella, are you alright? I know you care about Edward a lot." Renee's concerned voice travelled down the line.

I searched for something to say. "Where is he now?"

My mother hesitated again. "I don't know. No one does." She sighed. "He left the house on the day before the wedding to see Angela and then came back and told us all that the wedding wasn't going to happen. He asked if it was ok if he took a few days out to think about things, packed a bag and left. Esme and Carlisle are worried out of their minds and for that matter so are your father and I. He's only phoned once to check in and let everyone know that he's safe and that's it. We haven't seen him."

"Oh God." It was the only thing I could think of to say.

"You haven't seen him at all have you, Bella?" My mom was optimistic but not hopeful.

"Sorry, no. Besides, you know what happened between us and how it ended. I doubt I'm his favourite person at the moment. He's more likely to either come home or to go to Alice or Emmett. Hell, he'd probably even come and see you and dad before he heads my way."

"Well, ok, if you're sure."

I spoke to my mom for a few more minutes and then we said goodbye.

I flopped back on the sofa.

Edward wasn't married. Edward didn't get married. Edward had left Angela. Edward was single.

Excitement began to build within me until the next thought struck.

Edward wasn't here.

He wasn't here; he hadn't come for me.

Just because he had left Angela, didn't mean that he was coming for me. If he had wanted to see me then it would have happened already, but according to my mom, he hadn't been in contact with anyone for over a month.

It wasn't going to happen. _Get real, Bella_.

My hopes dashed once more, this time more painful because I knew what could be a possibility, I sank back into depression and got on with my life.

Two more months passed and there was still no word from Edward. He phoned his parents occasionally to let them know he was alright, but that was it. He had taken temporary leave from his course and had just disappeared.

Everyone was worried, including me...Especially me. This wasn't like Edward at all.

He had last checked in two days ago. Esme had told my mother, who had immediately called to inform me.

Not that it changed anything.

Huffing at my obsessive thinking, I decided to pack in my work for the day. I wasn't really able to focus on my reading anyway. It was all going in one ear and out the other.

Gathering up the library books I had been using, I placed them back on the shelves and then gathered up my pens and folders and crammed them into my bag. By the time I made it to my truck I was soaked; being stuck inside all day, I hadn't realised how heavily the rain was coming down. I pitied the poor soul who was out in this weather.

Pulling my truck up to my building, I grabbed my belongings and prepared to sprint to the door. I almost made it without tripping over too, only to slam into someone waiting outside the front door.

Spluttering, I raised my head to apologise for my clumsiness only to freeze.

"Edward?"

He was here. He was really here.

I threw myself into his arms and buried my face into his neck, breathing his smell in. He was real; he was real and he was he with me.

"Bella," he whispered, his arms coming to wrap around me, clutching me tighter to him.

We held each other, completely oblivious to the outside world and I relished the feel of him underneath my hands. Eventually he pulled back though and I stepped backwards, cupping his face and drinking him in with my eyes.

He was thinner, a lot thinner than when I had seen him last, and it was weight he could scarce stand to lose. The circles under his eyes had gotten darker too and he was sporting a beard, not having shaven in God knows how long.

And he was trembling, something that I had failed to notice in my jubilation at seeing him. I didn't know how long he had been waiting for me to get back, but he was completely soaked through and my priorities suddenly changed from demanding to know what was going on to wanting to make sure he didn't end up with hypothermia.

"Oh God, Edward, you must be freezing, let's get you inside."

Hustling him into the building, up the stairs and into my apartment, I took his duffel bag from him, tossing it on the sofa, and immediately began to strip him of his jacket and then his over-shirt.

Edward looked on bemused as I manhandled him and it was only when I began tugging on his t-shirt, trying to pull it out of the waistband of his jeans. He placed his hands over mine, stopping them in their actions.

"Bella, what are you doing?" His eyes searched mine.

I blushed, realising I hadn't even said anything; I'd just started attacking him and ripping off his clothes.

"I'm sorry. I... You must be freezing, Edward, do you want a hot shower? Get warmed up a bit? I'm worried that you're starting to turn blue."

"Thanks," he smiled down at me. "That would be nice right about now."

"Right." I nodded, looking down at my feet. "Do you have dry clothes, your bag hasn't got wet, has it?"

"Ummm." He scratched the back of his neck and stared at his bag not very hopefully.

I decided to rescue him. "Look why don't you get what you need out, go take a shower, warm yourself up, the towels are in the cupboard in the bathroom and I'll stick your stuff in the dryer so it'll be ready when you get out."

"Sounds good." Edward grabbed his toiletry bag and I pointed out the bathroom to him. He got halfway out the door before he turned to look at me. "Bella, thank you."

I smiled weakly. "Anytime."

He disappeared down the hall and my body began functioning on autopilot, unable to compute anything until Edward got back. Grabbing his clothes out of his bag, I threw them in the dryer and then made my way to my bedroom to strip out of my own wet clothes. Throwing on a tank top and a pair of sweats, I padded out to the kitchen and decided to start some coffee. Surveying the contents of the fridge, I decided that heating up some soup was the best plan; it was simple enough for my brain to cope with in its current state and it was hot and hopefully would ward away the chill Edward was feeling.

By the time Edward ventured back out, I had dried and folded his clothes, laid the table and poured a mug of coffee for him.

Clutching his towel tightly around his waist, he grabbed some of the dry clothes and scurried back to the bathroom. When he emerged, he was dressed just as casually as I was in sweats and a hoodie.

"Here's some coffee," I stated inanely. "Do you want to go and sit at the table; I've got some soup waiting."

"Bella, you didn't have to do all this." He almost looked like he wanted to say something else, but then didn't.

"It's not a problem." I tried to joke. "You look like you need fattening up." It fell flat.

We ate quietly and once we were done, I made Edward go and sit in the living room while I put on another pot of coffee. When I got back he was half-asleep, his eyes fluttering shut as he struggled to stay awake. He made an effort to sit up though when I entered the room, taking the coffee gratefully from me and practically inhaling it.

I settled myself on the opposite end of the sofa, placing my mug on the table so it wouldn't give away how badly my hands were shaking.

Why was it always like this between us? Why couldn't it ever be simple and uncomplicated?

"Bella," Edward's voice broke into my thoughts. "We need to talk."

I sighed. "We do."

Neither of us said anything. Eventually I decided to take the plunge.

"You didn't marry Angela." It wasn't a question, but Edward answered anyway.

"No, I didn't."

Another pause.

"We were really worried about you, you know. You just disappeared and no one knew where you were and we were all just...really worried," I finished lamely.

"Even you?" Edward looked speculatively at me.

"Yes, of course. Did you think I wouldn't be worried; that I would care less about you after last time we met?"

"It can happen, Bella. It's not such an unreasonable assumption to make." His soft rebuke made me flinch at my defensive reply. "Sometimes when relationships end or move on, some people are capable of not caring anymore...or caring a little less than before."

I couldn't help the next question I asked. "Is that what happened with Angela? Did you..." I winced at how callous this was going to sound, "care about her a little less than before, enough to stop the wedding from going ahead?"

Edward stared thoughtfully into his mug. "No. I feel exactly the same way about Angela now as I always have."

"Oh," I whispered, completely deflated.

He still loved her; did that mean it was Angela's decision to end the impending marriage?

"It was Angela's choice. She left you."

Of course he didn't break up with her because of me; the only reason he was here now was because he knew I loved him and I was comforting and familiar. My heart, which had begun to beat wildly with hope, shrivelled up again.

"We left each other."

"What?" My eyes shot up to burn into his. "I don't get it."

Edward huffed, running his hands fretfully through his hair, tugging at the strands. He was distressed; I hated it when he was upset.

"I feel exactly the same about Angela now, as I did when we were going to get married, because we never really loved each other – not _that_ way anyway."

"You didn't love her," I parroted. I rubbed my eyes, my head beginning to hurt with everything that was being thrown at me tonight – Edward's return, his confession, my own confusion over the situation.

"No."

Seeming to come to a decision, Edward placed his mug down and shuffled along the sofa towards me, taking my hands in his.

"Bella, after you left me, I was a wreck. I wasn't doing well in my classes, my concentration was all other the place and because we always kept our relationship secret, I didn't have anyone to talk to about it."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, looking away. "I didn't mean to..."

"Bella, no," Edward interrupted, squeezing my hands to reassure me. "No, this isn't about that. I'm not trying to blame you. I'm just saying that that was the situation when I left and it wasn't a good place to be. Then I got back to Dartmouth and everything was going wrong and I ran into Angela one day outside the science building."

I closed my eyes for this part and Edward squeezed my hands again, continuing the story.

"She had used broken up with her boyfriend; I gather he used to go to school with you guys."

"Ben, yeah."

"Anyway, she was a friendly face and we just ended up talking and one thing led to another. She knew all about you, all about us, and I knew everything about her. It was...comforting."

"Comforting," I echoed.

"It's the pain of not being with someone you love, Bella. We both understood it."

I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, well you two weren't the only ones."

Edward chose to ignore my little outburst and continue.

"So that's how we fell into our relationship. It wasn't romantic, it was just...easy, and I do love Angela in a way, but not like that, and it was the same for her."

I finally opened my eyes. "Is that why you broke off the wedding?"

"Yeah. It turned out we were both having reservations over whether it was the right thing to do, and then Ben came back into the picture. Angela didn't love me, not like that; she loved him. And it was the same for me."

I jerked my hands away and stood up, backing away from Edward.

"So Angela was happy enough to leave you for Ben, leave you high and dry, but when I asked you to be with me, it was all decided and set in stone and there was nothing that could be done?" Even I could tell that I was being unreasonable now – hadn't I told my mother that I wouldn't have wanted Edward to break up with Angela just because I asked – but my emotions were running high right now and I wasn't in the mood to be rational.

Edward stood up too, tracking my path and taking my hands again. "You know it wasn't like that, Bella. I just had to make sure that I wasn't marrying Angela for my sake, I had to be sure that it was the right decision for me and that I didn't just get swept up in the nostalgia of seeing you again."

"I know, I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"But we broke up because I'm not meant to be with her...and she's not meant to be with me."

He took another step forward and cradled my face in his hands. I was held captive by his intent stare, unable to do anything but watch and listen to whatever happened next.

"I'm meant to be with you."

The tears started falling again. So much hadn't been resolved yet, but hearing Edward say that he was meant to be with me was just...unbelievable.

"You're meant to be with me," I repeated dreamily.

Edward stroked his thumbs over my cheeks, brushing the tears away. "I am."

My own arms slid upwards and linked around his neck. He lowered his forehead to mine and my eyes fluttered shut, my fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Why did you not come to me? After, I mean."

Edward sighed. "I wanted to, believe me I did. But I needed to get my head sorted out; I mean, I came this close to marrying someone I didn't truly love and that scares the hell out of me to think where my head was to let that happen."

"I don't think either of us have ever had much common sense when it comes to our relationship, Edward," I conceded.

He laughed gently. "No, I don't think we have." He pressed a light kiss to the top of my nose. "Once I'd thought about it though, all I wanted was to come back here and be with you...If you'll have me, that is?"

"You want to be with me?" I couldn't help the scared tone my voice took, but I was absolutely terrified that this wasn't real, or that it was but that we would end up screwing it all up again. I didn't think I would be able to cope with that again.

Edward's voice was husky when he replied. "I do, if you'll have me."

I remained silent, my fingers continuing their light massage, my mind working at a million miles a minute. Edward, however, seemed disturbed by my lack of a response.

"I mean it, Bella. I know things got messed up along the way and we both made mistakes, but I want to be here with you; I want to be with you. And I'm not just saying that because I broke up with Angela or anything, I don't want you to think you're some kind of consolation prize, but I had to come here. I had to let you know how I feel and I had to make sure you knew that I could never have married Angela when I was in love with you."

He sounded so worried. I scratched my nails over the sensitive skin of his neck.

"Bella, please?"

"I love you too." I opened my eyes to meet his relieved ones. "But then you already knew that."

"You still love me." This time it was his turn to be worried and insecure.

"I've always loved you. That hasn't changed. Even when it all went wrong, that hasn't changed."

Edward let out a sigh of relief and then scooped me up, holding me tightly to him with his face buried in my neck and my feet dangling in the air. We clung to each other for a long time, just enjoying being together and being in love.

It was the most incredible feeling in the world.

After a while though Edward started swaying on his feet and I realised that it was now quite late when he gave a loud yawn.

"Is it alright if I stay here tonight, Bella? If it's not, there's a motel down the road I can book into..."

"No," I practically shouted. "No, you can stay here. I don't mind."

"Really?"

I didn't answer, instead taking his hand and leading him to my room where I promptly blushed.

"Ummmm, I'm not saying that we should sleep together...I mean, we will sleep together, but no sex...Not that you said you wanted sex with me..." I could feel my face getting redder as I rambled on. "...although obviously it would be nice if you did. But...yeah. Just sleeping."

My feet were suddenly very interesting and, oh look, something had been spilled onto the carpet; I would have to clean that tomorrow.

"Bella." I ventured a peek up and found Edward chuckling at me. "I would love to just sleep with you. I don't want us to rush into anything this time. We've still got a lot to talk about."

"We do," I agreed, forgetting my embarrassment. "But can we please leave that until tomorrow?"

"Of course."

We both went through our night time routines. It was strange to not have to hide – to be able to stand side by side with Edward, brushing our teeth, knowing that we would be going to bed together.

Getting into bed together was a bit awkward; we both just stood there for a minute, looking at each other and wondering what was going to happen. It was almost comical.

But then Edward stripped down to his boxers and slid under the sheets, beckoning me to him. I pulled my sweatpants off and then wriggled out of my bra before joining him.

Sliding close to his body, I rested my head against his shoulder and threw one of my legs over his hips. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me even closer towards him and kissing the crown of my head. I ran my hand over his bare chest, placing it over his heart and feeling the beat beneath my palm.

"I'm glad you're with me, Edward."

Placing a finger beneath my chin, Edward raised my face and ever so gently leant down to press his lips to mine for the first time since he had come back. It was a simple kiss, no tongues, no biting or sucking or probing, just his mouth moving slowly against mine.

It was perfect. It was a new beginning.

"I'm glad to be here, Bella."

**It's a happy ending, of course it is. I wouldn't have it any other way.**

**Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.**


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